Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
You pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package,
because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
her, so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot
keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about
this
issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with
your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not
object. However,
in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off
during the
course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail
gun and
fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a
"barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it
comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other,
we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the
day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is
an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at
my house,
and the only word I need from you on this subject is
"early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities
to date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue
to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make
her
cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on
time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on
her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the
Golden Gate
Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful,
like
changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter:
-Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a
wooden
stool.
-Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
eyesight.
-Places where there is darkness.
-Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
-Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my
daughter
to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other
than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her
throat.
-Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies
which feature chain saws are okay.
-Hockey games are okay.
-Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am
the
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where
you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the
whole
truth and nothing but the truth.
I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five
acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very
afraid. It takes very little for me to
mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a
rice
paddy near Hanoi. When my
Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my
head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to
bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should
exit your
car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce
in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and
early,
then return to your car - there is no need for you to come
inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.